In truth, I began this project a week ago, and so I already have some sexy results to show you all. The following is a recount of my arduous week of hard work:The Physique
I began my venture into the world of sexy herculean bodies by attempting to research methods which would allow me to achieve a state of muscular 'awesomeness'. To my luck, I stumbled upon an advertisement whilst searching for 'hot male bodies' (my God the internet is dirty) that boasted success stories, where fat lards "got ripped in four weeks". You could only imagine my glee.
After vehemently clicking on the ad, I was introduced to a plethora of wisdom; in my hands lay the ancient secrets of 'quick-time body building'. I put it to the test.
For a week, I stuck to a strict diet of eating protein powder and nothing else. I am not mistaken when I write 'eating' protein powder. I figured that water was a waste of space.
Do not be swayed by the packaging. It is by no means a biochemical weapon.
In addition to replacing all foods with protein powder, I decided that soy milk would be my sole source of hydration, due to its high protein content.
In adherence to the steps suggested on the webpage, I also adopted an intense exercise regime involving heavy weights. Having observed others undertake similar initiatives to improve their physique, I concluded that bicep curls and bench presses were the only two exercises I needed for my regime. I spent 10 hours of every day of the week in the gym, doing 1000 sets of these exercises. The results are breathtaking.
Before:
After: (one week later)
I was so pleased with my results, that I spent the entire afternoon touching myself in front of the mirror.
The Fashion
This facet of my experiment was particularly difficult. Being 'fashionable' is very subjective. To a hobo, a potato sack may be considered rather trendy. To others, it is deplorable. In light of this, I decided to consult the masters of fashion, whose opinion mattered most:
The Fab Five took me on a ride to Oxford Street where I had a long sweaty day of shopping. After successfully transforming my sense of fashion, we celebrated at a local gay club. I expected a happy time but instead found myself sandwiched between two scantily dressed men for the night. I woke up the next morning with a vague recollection of the previous nights activities, dressed in a Tarzan costume. Fuck me dead.
Before:
After:
Grooming
This area of my appearance was rather simple to improve. A nice haircut, a whole body wax session and some plastic/laser surgery to rid my face of acne and scars was all it took to achieve the status of grooming God.
Before:
After:
Next post: More results, and the conclusion!
Disclaimer: These methods do not actually work. DO NOT try this at home kids.
